Line Cutters Will Be Ejected From the Park

This is not a rant about being kicked out of Disney World. This is a rant about a metaphorical line cutter in a metaphorical park. What is this metaphor I speak of? I will tell you. Granted, I did not exit the proverbial closet until I was a senior in high school, but that is long before many people do, and while I did have the occasional girlfriend for appearances sake I never really let those things go beyond a couple of weeks. There may have been the occasional hand holding or kiss on the cheek, but my first kiss was not with a girl. It was with a boy...in the back of a movie theater that was playing Shakespeare In Love, a movie that I had already seen and if you know me I very rarely go see movies that I have already seen. That's right. I was hoping for some makeout action. The reason that I am telling you this is to illustrate the point that I am basically a career homosexual. No, I wasn't telling anyone from the womb that I was gay, but it is apparent to all around that I was gay probably from the moment of conception. I yearned for Barbie dolls and My Little Pony's for god sakes.


I have been at this whole dating boys thing for a while now, and I have yet to really make it work. I have had boyfriends, but for the most part they have all been a disaster, and the ones who don't become my boyfriends, which is most of them, are even worse. It is a string of lunatics and assholes, and I have yet to grasp onto that oh so elusive guy who makes my heart go pitter patter. There is another type of homosexual in the world, though. These are what I like to call the line cutters. These are people who after several years of enjoying a presumably happy heterosexual lifestyle decide that they are going to come out of the closet. Now I would just like to say that I am all for people figuring out who they are and joining the ranks of the gays. The more the merrier is what I say, but these converts are not following the rules. They aren't dating crazy person after crazy person after crazy person after crazy person. One minute they are straight with a boyfriend or girlfriend and the next minute they are gay with a boyfriend or girlfriend. These new gay partners just seem to fall into their laps with no effort while the rest of us who have been toiling away on the give me a damn boyfriend who returns my calls chain gang or sentenced to another two years of servitutde because a line cutter has swooped in and stolen the next guy.

Is the key to finding a boyfriend pretending to be heterosexual for a little while? If this were Disney Land, then the line cutters would be ejected from the park, but apparently this is one line that you can cut. Once again I say I welcome all the individuals who are discovering their true identity. I applaud you for taking that step, but could one of you please give me a call so that you can take the homing beacon I seemed to have had implanted in me that makes the lunatics FLOCK to me, and me flock to them. I mean, seriously, have I not had the beacon long enough. You converts know who you are...your the ones with boyfriends, but when and if that ends come and get my homing beacon. It will certainly give you lots of stories to tell, and then you can start your very own blog and rant and rave about things.